STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS...I shall be rambling about what is on the topmost of my mind. I make no apologies, and take what offends you (plural). Done in a drunken stupor (I must not be that drunk if I recognise that I'm drunk. Hmm) I want to let off some steam.
Three brothers. The one question, the one retort, and the finality. A cat has nine lives, yet does not have to live them all at the same time. I don't know what to feel. Or what I should have felt. What I felt was pity and sadness. What I ought to have felt was nothing. Pity is a feeling most hated, most denied, of those I know. Those who accept it, and do something to reverse it are the ones I respect. An empty, cursed life. Speaking of cats...such lucky creatures. Cursedly so. Reduced to pure simplicity, portrayed in their feline grace. I have a love-hate relationship with myself. I think Its time to come clean, so here is my confession lite. I hurt. I'm a mother, a child, a student, a lover, a worker, a friend, an enemy. I'm tired of my roles, for each plays a part in my happiness or sadness. What brings me happiness ultimately makes me sad, and vice versa. I ache inside. I spoke earlier, about the void we all have and try to fill, in vain. In vain. I have everything I want, yet... Oh for something to come and help my escape. Tomorrow I leave. A holiday, overnight. I don't quite know where I'm going, but I'll be gone, and shall blog my adventures. What am I afraid of. What stops me speaking my mind to those I hold/held closest to me. What shifted... Its no longer the three brothers. They have changed too, to: Why? Why What? Nothing/Nevermind. I used to trust nonchalance. I feigned it as often as I hurt myself. On purpose. I may call others disillusioned, but in the end, tis only me... Here I am now. I've everything I want. I'll hold my scars proud. Every line that marks my arm, every mark made on my back and every tear that I've let fall. Lead me to the gallows. I have all my regrets. Something odd. I always believed that if you dug a hole, and spoke your mind into it, and covered it up, one would be able to be so much carefree, entrusting the earth with ones' secrets..Only now I understand the complexity. I feel so tired...so exhausted. Mentally, physically. Who am I. I look in my mirrow and I see age creep up on me. I see both the wisdom (if any) and the childish spark. I see the knowledge, I see the need to be needed, The likes and the hatred. Enough. Sigh. Theres not much left but a dull headache. I had an alright day, for those who've read this far. Went out with Amber, who I'm thankful for. You never realise the values of those you love the most till theyre gone. So, I salute you. Amber's my childhood friend. Primary 4 onwards. We've had our fair share of spats, including my dipping her hair in the glue pot, because of jealousy. I could say I'm a born jealous person. If a person is my friend, they ought to always be. And be nobody elses. :P Amber's been around the longest. Most have left. I'd call her a best friend, if she wasn't someone elses...Memories. Amber and Faye, playing jump-rope in the playground. Myself watching from the stairs, then escaping to the library. I always find solace in books. I don't have to be myself. I can be the observer, the character, the ghost flitting from scene to scene...Everything. Ms Angel always let me in. At lunchtimes, there would be nobody. Just me. She was seen as mean, but I know she craved the silence as much as I did. Ah well. Amber, you've been around forever. Thank you. :) I could type more, but I'd burst into tears. Soon you'll be gone, like all the others..and I just hope we'll meet again. So, to today. We went to Festival Walk (festi) A mall. We watched the incredibles, which I adored. Sneaked McD's into the theatre (!) and went shopping for a present for her friend. Ended up getting an adorable sheepdog stuffed toy. I had to tell her to get a new one after I demonstrated how easily the fur fell out by yanking a whole handful of it off. Whoops. Lets just stick that near the back.. Went to TST (A district in HK) afterwards. Post Office. Wandered around til our feet killed us. Went to 4 different Watsons outlets I got candles, and a swirly thing. Pics! Ooh, I got a new camera. Its not good. *grin* But here's todays photos. And...Photobucket is being cranky. Oh well. Next post, perhaps. I'm tired, and feeling lost. I miss ya'll. I'm glad I got back to my rounds... Cheers, I'll see you all soon. :)
posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 02.07.05 (2:39 pm)
as u always say to me, eat proper, sleep restful, dont worry about things too much :)
posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 02.07.05 (10:30 pm)
Reply to: newbie
Ta e.
posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 02.07.05 (10:30 pm)
Reply to: uniquelaughter
Ta e. Life's so complicated..
posted by: eka00 (reply)
post date: 02.08.05 (1:33 am)
From the little I gather you're trying to resist some form of personal growth - where you saperate yourself from your roles and establish a sense of individualism.
Happiness, as I've come to learn, is the byproduct of being consistently true to yourself, your belief, your values...when you sell out, even for just a little bit, you loose an irredeemable part of your happiness.
No doubt you're a mother, a sister, a friend, a student, etc....but you must be all these things from the eyes of your individual self or else the'll seem more like duties than soul enriching relationships.
You must find a balance that works best for you without giving up all that you are or changing just to 'fit in' and 'look good' in the eyes of those you value.
If your body and mind is urging you to change, don't resist it, it's probably for the better. Heed your intuition. If your body is telling you to change the way you see, think and their implications, you should probably listen.
Take a moment to think about it....for in thoughts lay solutions. :D
If I've missed the mark, lemme know...a little bird left a comment on my blog that said a certain friend was in need of some advice...
You're gonna be OK. I promise, :-) *hugs*
posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 02.08.05 (4:33 am)
