One Of Those Days


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One Of Those Days
01.14.05 (4:14 am)   [edit]
When you're all alone and you just feel like curling up in front of the heater with a good book, or walk about in the cold, just to feel numb.
I took the latter and now i'm aching, but its' okay.
I don't know, on the way home I was absolutely miserable..
I was wet (rain) and walking about with my hands stuffed in my pockets, just thinking.
Tis the things people see..the scenes playing behind your eyes, that scare them. Someone actually came up to me and asked if I was okay. I don't know if I am, sigh. I guess I'm just tired and confused.
It dropped to 5 degrees this morning. And my stockings were ripped. tsk. Skirt! And updrafts. Just what I needed.
Nibbled on some strawberries. Not really hungry. Had an orange in the day time, that'll do.
Leg aching. Bruised purple and yellow above my ankle. I'm so clumsy sometimes.
I've found out something I've always known about meself. I lie to myself too much. I don't know why I do it, but perhaps maybe if I keep telling myself that things will turn out okay, they will? Is it just me? Or pathological?
Heard a quote today in Ethics. We were discussing morality and its roles when it came to conscience, as well as the differences between Humanitarian and Authoritarian conscience. The quote was "At the bottom of every neurosis is a parent". Cheers, Erich Fromm.
I have everything. I feel very vindictive right now. I have everything I want and need, yet what in the world am I lacking?
Let me prove my point with another quote. Sorry, ain't too p.c, but this is exactly what I mean.

"Oh fuck, it is true. I want a bunch of different things. I want passion, friendship, laughter, security, trust, understanding, devotion, scorching hot sex, companionship, romance and love. (In no particular order but from the same man)

Impossible? I guess it is for me. Maybe I'm unrealistic? But I've set my sights lower before and ended up in a horrible situation. I'm only looking for one guy. Just one. I want a modern-day fairy tale where our feet are both planted on the ground but our heads are in the stars.

Had a couple of O's yesterday... They felt sort of empty if that makes any sense.."

There we go. From MCS's blog. I HAVE all that, if not more. Tis what she needs, when she has everything else. So now what. What am I missing that leaves my heart aching, and just to numb it I wander about for hours on end in 5 degree weather in a skirt, regardless of where I walk (I almost got run over. Twice.) and lost in this haze of every-nothingness. Damnit, I hate the cold.
Winter is bleak.
3 Lectures tomorrow. Hopefully I'll cheer up a little...I'm so miserable and I know it, and if I knew what is causing it I wouldn't be miserable anymore.
Sigh.
Tis a long walk back to Eden, sweetheart. If we ever get there.
 

posted by: jennirae269 (reply)
post date: 01.14.05 (6:00 am)

I wish I could cheer you up with some witty words of wisdom, but I don't have any. All I can say is that I hope you snap out of it soon and feel better.


posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 01.14.05 (10:29 am)

Knowing where Eden iz the hardest bit. getting dere iz easy bit onez u knoe where tiz is.

Holdz ure hand.


=)


posted by: moi (reply)
post date: 01.14.05 (3:26 pm)

try next door first, eden will arrive in time. why look ahead when the next step is just a second away


posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 01.14.05 (6:02 pm)

Reply to: jennirae269
Thank you..I do feel slightli better :) *hug*


posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 01.14.05 (6:02 pm)

Reply to: newbie
*chuckles* If you say so. *hops alongside*


posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 01.14.05 (6:04 pm)

Reply to: moi
*laugh* I've already looked next door...*smile*
Tis..just round the corner..a couple of years from now. *nods*


posted by: Plainclothes21 (reply)
post date: 01.14.05 (7:03 pm)

if i had many much money, id cme see you and and make it all happy cheerful, finally give you that butt lift, and..... and ummmm hugs?, *laughs* well cheer up buckeroo!

i know heres a pick up line that always gets a smile.

'I may not be fred flinstone but i can make your bed rock!' :P


posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 01.15.05 (5:11 am)

Reply to: Plainclothes21
*laugh* ooh hun tacky, but it got me grinning. *muah* thank you.


posted by: jennirae269 (reply)
post date: 01.17.05 (3:29 am)

Reply to: VodkaB
Glad to hear you're feeling a little better anyway. Keep hangin on hon!
*smilies for you*


posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 01.17.05 (5:07 am)

Reply to: jennirae269
*smile* I'll be fine. *grin* Just in a bit of a muddle, tis all. Thanks!


posted by: jennirae269 (reply)
post date: 01.17.05 (5:09 am)

Reply to: VodkaB
What would life be without muddles to get in and out of?


posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 01.17.05 (5:23 am)

Reply to: jennirae269
I can't even consider that without panicking.:p


posted by: jennirae269 (reply)
post date: 01.17.05 (5:38 am)

Reply to: VodkaB
Don't panic! There will always be drama in life...it's all in how we handle it that makes the difference! Have a great day/night whatever it is over there!


posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 01.17.05 (5:40 am)

Reply to: jennirae269
To you too!


posted by: altricial (reply)
post date: 01.21.05 (4:13 am)

"I want passion, friendship, laughter, security, trust, understanding, devotion, scorching hot sex, companionship, romance and love. (In no particular order but from the same man)"

No, you're NOT being unrealistic. As long as you know that these things can be sandwiched between stretches of daunting patience, forgiveness, rampant personal growth, lonliness, and more patience.
An article I read recently (and agree with) said marraige has three revolving stages: 1) passionate love 2) where is the love? ("I feel like roomates.") and 3) "I want out." The part you have to be careful with is that you're not both in stage 3 at the same time. If you don't know that it's temporary, and aren't willing to wait it out, it can be very dangerous to the next revolution.
Never lower your standards - or you'll spend a LOT more time in 2 and 3!


posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 01.22.05 (1:32 am)

Reply to: altricial
Thank you :)

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