And I received it. Thank you. This would be a fitting end to my blog, but, not yet. I figure, I need this place...to vent. Let me recap on the last two days, and mention other issues that went on prior to yesterday's event. Our family's never been stable, as far back as I remember. Recently, all the problems have escalated. What happened yesterday is probably one of a series of events, that probably won't end for a long while to come. A while ago, my dad started opening my mail. He did it again yesterday. I don't much care that there isn't much to say in a bank statement, or junk mail, but I was angry, because this was an email from UCAS, my university application number, username and password were within that letter. I confronted him at night, and told him I did not care for what he opened, just not to open my acceptance or rejection letters. Why? I said I wasn't hiding a thing. He had no reason to trust me, but the reason I did not want him opening my university documentation was due to the fact that if I were to be rejected, and were to be presented my mail, torn open, and him stating that I had been rejected, i'd break down. I'd prefer to deal with rejection in my own way. I don't know why I'm so protective of my future. Possibly because it is all I have left. Truly, all I have left. I'd fight for it with my life...I digress. Earlier in the evening, my cat was playing with fake rose petals, knicking them out of a jar on top of the fridge. I hadn't picked them up because I thought Giddy was still playing with them. I turned, and my dad had opened the main door and tossed the cat out. He ordered me to pick up the petals, just 5 of them. I picked them up, walked up to him and asked him to open the door. If he killed my cat (it was 12 degrees outside) the blood would stain his hands. I told him so. And I returned to my room. I was shaking as much as Giddy. When I told him, politely as I could (I hate confrontations) that he should not open my university letters, as I turned to go back to my room, I got thrown against the door. My mom heard me scream, and she came out. She grabbed his hands and told him to stop. I'd fallen onto the sofa and I reached for the phone. I called 999 and hung up. I couldn't. I wanted to but I couldn't, as I watched him throw mom aside and he kept yelling at me, then he started slapping himself, again and again. His glasses fell off, and I wanted to pick them up. Thats all I remember. Me wanting to pick the glasses up and make sure they weren't broken. Mom called his brother, and I ran to my room, and I was shaking. My brother was awake now, I remember the time was 12:22. He came and sat with me for hours. I'm scared now. The things he said. He said he knew my UCAS password, that he'll withdraw all my applications and put me out of school. He'd send me to India the next day (I knew he wouldn't). Prior day's events. I havn't slept for two nights. The pressure's getting to me. I have weird nightmares..If I fall asleep, I wake up and check the time. My eyes are puffy, and I have a headache. I left in the middle of a lesson yesterday, and must have gone to the toilet. I woke up and 20 minutes had passed, I was still leaning against the door. My first exam's on the 19th and I'm falling apart. Things are falling apart at home. I must've slept around 4am or so. I woke at 8. I found my mom and my brother sleeping in my room on my bed. I think I drugged myself to sleep because this headache won't go away. All I could hear yesterday was my dad shouting, my mom crying, and what must have been me whimpering. I vaguely remember getting up, and looking for something in the medicine cupboard to make me sleepy. I found some yellow liquid that said may cause drowsiness, and took a spoonful of that with 2 panadols. Theres an empty 50ml bottle of brandy next to my bed. I remember that, it burnt my throat. I remember not remembering anything after that. I was so glad to just fall asleep, to stop listening to the sounds in my head. I ought to work harder. I don't work to breaking point, like I used to, when things were quieter. Now, everything's focused on getting through uni. It feels like...I've never been this broke before. Theoretically, I have enough to support myself, but right now, it just doesn't feel that way, what with exam fees and uni savings. I've babbled enough. I need a break. I've a war wound on my arm where it slammed against the door, and a long scratch to tend to. And I thought things couldn't get any worse.
posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 12.13.05 (3:25 am)
Reply to: userfriendly
It does. :) Much appreciated *hugs*
I don't know...he's pretty stressed too, and I've lived with it most of my life.
Hey...I am so sorry you are going through all this! Wow...so why would your dad not want you to go to school? That's strange..
Anyway, you are obviously in a really bad situation. If you are concerned about yourself, you've got to do something..anything! Don't just stay there and let yourself be depressed...figure out a way to either help your dad or to GET OUT! Good luck with that...I hope somehow things get better for you!
posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 12.13.05 (4:50 am)
Reply to: bacardibreezer
Thanks for your concern..
He doesn't want me to go to school because, simply, I don't deserve it. After all he's said he's done, and the things that they teach me (e.g. If i swear, his reply is 'so thats what they teach you in school? in that case i'm not sending you').
Its not as bad...there are times when it has been worse. I tend not to blog about it. I don't know why I did this time.
I have to protect my future, for now, so...I have to stay. Just til uni apps come through. Then i'll be safe, with somewhere to go.
Thanks for dropping by. *hug*
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.13.05 (8:45 am)
That's just wrong. You can change your password, can't you? Could you have your mail re-directed to someone (trusted) else's addy?
Take a deep cleansing breath hon. Inhale the fact that soon you'll be out of the house. Exhale all the angst. Inhale that you'll be able to live your own life soon. Exhale all your stress. Rinse. Repeat if necessary.
My father told me if I didn't go to X school and major in Y, that he wouldn't pay for my education. I said fine. It was a lot of hard work, but I graduated with honors without a dime of help and without any debt. (Thanks to his big income, I didn't qualify for financial aid) Years later, it still irks him that I did it. And I looooooooooove it. ;)
(Hugs)
posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 12.13.05 (12:22 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
*grin* You put a smile on mi face this morning. I like that. hehe. Thats what I intend to do, I'm just wondering how I ought to go about it...odd jobs don't really work. *looks thoughtful*
*nodnod* cleansing breaths. Blue air in, red air out. Always. Thankyou *hug*
posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 12.13.05 (11:34 pm)
Reply to: me
*hug*
posted by: ScubaDiva (reply)
post date: 12.14.05 (4:06 am)
Reply to: VodkaB
In the beginning, I did a lot of different jobs that allowed flexibility in my schedule. The required classes in the beginning are plentiful scheduling-wise. I had the most trouble with those last few classes before I graduated. You might want to come up with some sort of business yourself. I did that myself for a while...
posted by: VodkaB (reply)
post date: 12.14.05 (10:29 pm)
Reply to: ScubaDiva
*nodnod* thing is, I don't quite have the time nor the initiative to come up with something, unfortunately. I've been working for the same company for years, tis all I know. Not so much..know how to start new.
posted by: newbie (reply)
post date: 12.24.05 (8:19 pm)
i dont understand why your dad would send you to india?..i thought your not indian?
