What a way to end the month.. This has probably been the most depressing month of my entire life. I promised not to take antidepressants again but I started 2 weeks ago, and stopped after three days. I don't want them. They don't work, and after I take them I'm miserable because I did. Its been a horrible, horrible month. I wish I could explain just how exhausted I truly am. My finances for this month have dwindled faster than I thought they would. I hate this feeling. Knowing that you have another 15 days to go before the next cheque.. On top of that, I have my school responsibilities, (exams, earlier this month had me stressed to my limit) and Even after or even before exams I'd be heading to work. That accounts for early June. Now, my mother is pre menopausal and all she does is cry, have hot flashes, and panic. She's asleep sometimes, which makes things a whole lot easier for me, because no one else is looking after her. I offer my support, but I don't think its enough. She's so scared that she won't listen, and is always thinking of something else when I say something or the other, whether important or not. I'm not feeling neglected, nor trying to get ehr attention. I'm just tired now. Her hot flashes almost always lead on to panic attacks, and then I am at a loss as to what to do. It's depressing. Then there's her inner conflict between western medicine and holistic medicine, as she calls it. She can't decide whether to take both or just one, and listening to other peoples advice just confuses her further,nor will she listen to herself. So there, my mum is incapable of looking after the household. This is not a problem because its usually my job, but now without her atleast doing a few things, workload has increased. I'm picking up my brother after school, and so on. Theres so much more to do... I also have to stay with her most nights, meaning I've been sleeping a few hours a day. This is aggravated by my dad not being home. He's in China or entertaining clients and just says she'll get better soon. When he's here all they do is fight. When he's not my mother just whines and says she needs him and therefore gets another panic attack. You get the picture. Now, there comes the problem of my lack of sleep. I am getting so tired I can barely move. I asked my brother (See post titled Pizza) to look after mom for one night so that I could get some rest to resume my duties more efficiently the next day, but no. He's 14 and at a bastardly tricky stage where he thinks his word is law. Why? Because his friend is leaving this week and every day must be spent with him. Not with mom. And that causes my mother to worry about his whereabouts, thus leading to a panic attack. So, you have me, absolutely miserable, exhausted, and weary of everything. She can't travel alone. I had to go and pick her up because she was too afraid to come home alone. 3 hours, I spent, travelling. I guess my little ray of sunlight was collecting my GCSE certificates (they came out last August) at last. My fees are always somehow late and therefore if your fees are overdue you can't collect your certificates. Talking about lack of sleep, I tend to sleepwalk. I don't see where I'm going and I crash into things. So I'm covered in bruises. To add more pain, think of whippings. Now stop thinking about them and think about the pain they bring. Okay, stop. Lets add one last dose of pain, for good measure, when you get PMS and your body feels like lead. Boys, think of having your stomach pulled out, twisted into a knot and put back in. Without sleep, my lower back tends to kill me, because school requires too much sitting in one place, as does work, and I am usually found wearing 6 inch heels which are torturous to the small of your back. Oh well. It hasn't stopped raining for weeks now. I am so miserable that if I cry, I usually take a walk in the rain. Nobody can distinguish rain from tears. Hardly ever. And then, if you're trying to stop being miserable, atleast you can actually be miserable because you're cold and wet. Sometimes the insides match the outsides. Now, it is the end of the month. I hoped to get prefect, and I didn't. I'm gutted. What have I done, or Havn't done, to deserve this? What stung was that all the YSPP members from my school got in. And I worked so hard..so hard. I've got a good academic record, good extracurricular..what do I lack? Her explanation that 'for every one person that got in a few will be dissappointed' isn't enough. I know several people who got in who didn't deserve it. Who havn't done half of what I have. Its not like me to burst into tears, but later on in the day, I did. I cleared up long enough, but once I was back on the train I stood in the corner and just sobbed. And even I don't know why I'm crying, because I knew I wouldn't get it in the first place. PMS, perhaps. That combined with everything else makes me miserable. Did I mention my summer holidays are practically cancelled? Well, not really, but I'm staying here instead of going anywhere, and there's going to be little or nothing to do, which means I'll just have to go to work as usual. And on a nasty note, we're being evicted by the end of July. House searching has never been so hard. Bastard of a landlord. My life is worse than a soap. Why can't I just get hit with lightning or something. I don't think I deserve any of this. I don't think anyone deserves any of this.. Sigh. And now I apologise for my rant. I don't rant. I hardly do, because I keep everything inside. Internal Torment to myself is a fitting punishment for everything I've done wrong. I guess I deserve it.
posted by: nemi (reply)
post date: 06.30.05 (3:53 am)
Poojs dont get me wrong but every person has to bear the share of his/her hardships. I have done with mine....6 years of pain and being tourtured as if u have less to worry n cry about. But after that period is over you will see the difference and will be happy. Then sometimes you will even long for those bad old days. Believe me. Dont give up....ur going thru a lotta things at the same time but believe me u will be fine. :)
Dont worry.
Be Good.
