I need to finish this book. Yesterday I was reminded about how diffrerent it would be to leave Hong Kong. I think I'm most worried of leaving my job. Its going to be weird not to work with the same people I've known since I was 7, and not...almost like I won't be Steadily supporting myself. Itl be a whirl. Ever since I started working, its been a steady salary, paying for everything I need, with just enough left over for a bit of fun. It feels like I'm losing something thats been a constant part of most of my life, for something..so much less stable. But good, in a way. Its better, jus not the same. Bleh. Nevermind. I can't explain it.
One of those days.. You know, this christmas has had too many ups and downs..something good for every bad. In the last few days alone there have been marriages, and then death. The before and after christmas holiday rush has taken its toll too. So here's a couple of tears for all that has been, and will be. Count to five and everything will be okay..
I love tblog for the closeness of its community...theres something here that I like and can't describe. I love blogspot for its anonymity...swimming in a sea of many thousands of blogs.
Today I feel dirty. Not in the fun, quick to please myself way, just dirty. I've had the flu, and I'm recovering, and I feel downright unsexy. I can't get past this...icky feeling. Like my own skin...and besides that I've been down, because I feel like I don't know what I want. But this unsexiness is depressing me. I usually feel good about myself. It shows. In the way I will carry myself, or the way I'll speak to someone. today I feel deflated. Even my cat thinks I'm disgusting today. Its just..the remnants of this flu won't go away. My hair, I've washed, but its depressingly limp. I feel..just so unsexy. Not unloved, not unwanted, just...not me. I need to feel good. So tomorrow its my girls day out. New bath stuff, new clothes, new everything. Even if its just window shopping. I hate this feeling. Its..horrible. Lets just hope the world doesn't see me until After I come out of the cocoon (or spa, whichever comes first). Cheers for tomorrow, and hope I look and feel better than I do now. Thing is, this depression leaves me unmotivated..so I'd better get off my ass tomorrow and do something before I really hit rock bottom. Even if its just wandering around Private Shop. I need to feel beautiful again. From the inside.
Its that cough where no matter how much you keep coughing, you're still left wheezing and nothing comes up. Damn. I can feel vibrations in my chest. I hate this.
I dreamt that I was walking along, and a baby bird fell out of it's nest. Momma bird came down and poked food down its throat, and I lifted baby bird back to the nest. I woke up feeling odd. Maybe its ominous. Maybe the baby bird is me, and I am too dependant on things/people that won't last. Or maybe the momma bird is me. Just..trying too hard, knowing the things I hold on to will go away eventually. Tis out of duty? or Tis cos I hate dependancy? I don't get it anymore. What happened to my nice blue booties dream?..
And I received it. Thank you. This would be a fitting end to my blog, but, not yet. I figure, I need this place...to vent. Let me recap on the last two days, and mention other issues that went on prior to yesterday's event. Our family's never been stable, as far back as I remember. Recently, all the problems have escalated. What happened yesterday is probably one of a series of events, that probably won't end for a long while to come. A while ago, my dad started opening my mail. He did it again yesterday. I don't much care that there isn't much to say in a bank statement, or junk mail, but I was angry, because this was an email from UCAS, my university application number, username and password were within that letter. I confronted him at night, and told him I did not care for what he opened, just not to open my acceptance or rejection letters. Why? I said I wasn't hiding a thing. He had no reason to trust me, but the reason I did not want him opening my university documentation was due to the fact that if I were to be rejected, and were to be presented my mail, torn open, and him stating that I had been rejected, i'd break down. I'd prefer to deal with rejection in my own way. I don't know why I'm so protective of my future. Possibly because it is all I have left. Truly, all I have left. I'd fight for it with my life...I digress. Earlier in the evening, my cat was playing with fake rose petals, knicking them out of a jar on top of the fridge. I hadn't picked them up because I thought Giddy was still playing with them. I turned, and my dad had opened the main door and tossed the cat out. He ordered me to pick up the petals, just 5 of them. I picked them up, walked up to him and asked him to open the door. If he killed my cat (it was 12 degrees outside) the blood would stain his hands. I told him so. And I returned to my room. I was shaking as much as Giddy. When I told him, politely as I could (I hate confrontations) that he should not open my university letters, as I turned to go back to my room, I got thrown against the door. My mom heard me scream, and she came out. She grabbed his hands and told him to stop. I'd fallen onto the sofa and I reached for the phone. I called 999 and hung up. I couldn't. I wanted to but I couldn't, as I watched him throw mom aside and he kept yelling at me, then he started slapping himself, again and again. His glasses fell off, and I wanted to pick them up. Thats all I remember. Me wanting to pick the glasses up and make sure they weren't broken. Mom called his brother, and I ran to my room, and I was shaking. My brother was awake now, I remember the time was 12:22. He came and sat with me for hours. I'm scared now. The things he said. He said he knew my UCAS password, that he'll withdraw all my applications and put me out of school. He'd send me to India the next day (I knew he wouldn't). Prior day's events. I havn't slept for two nights. The pressure's getting to me. I have weird nightmares..If I fall asleep, I wake up and check the time. My eyes are puffy, and I have a headache. I left in the middle of a lesson yesterday, and must have gone to the toilet. I woke up and 20 minutes had passed, I was still leaning against the door. My first exam's on the 19th and I'm falling apart. Things are falling apart at home. I must've slept around 4am or so. I woke at 8. I found my mom and my brother sleeping in my room on my bed. I think I drugged myself to sleep because this headache won't go away. All I could hear yesterday was my dad shouting, my mom crying, and what must have been me whimpering. I vaguely remember getting up, and looking for something in the medicine cupboard to make me sleepy. I found some yellow liquid that said may cause drowsiness, and took a spoonful of that with 2 panadols. Theres an empty 50ml bottle of brandy next to my bed. I remember that, it burnt my throat. I remember not remembering anything after that. I was so glad to just fall asleep, to stop listening to the sounds in my head. I ought to work harder. I don't work to breaking point, like I used to, when things were quieter. Now, everything's focused on getting through uni. It feels like...I've never been this broke before. Theoretically, I have enough to support myself, but right now, it just doesn't feel that way, what with exam fees and uni savings. I've babbled enough. I need a break. I've a war wound on my arm where it slammed against the door, and a long scratch to tend to. And I thought things couldn't get any worse.
Click here to watch the three videos I have. One of my cat, another of my baby brother and some random little talented girl dancing. I have nothing else to say today. tsk. But turn your volume up and enjoy!
We never really get to know the people around us, do we? Like the old man we pass every day, smile, and nod to. Then we continue on our way..we never really know. Maybe we ought not to know. Or perhaps we should ask. Who'd dare to ask further? We never really lose our selfish ways. So caught up in our own worlds that we forget that other peoples' worlds overlap our own. When we forget, its..not our fault. No. It comes down to attributional biases, dispositional vs. the situational factors. Yes, People are selfish. We accept that. And that is just as good as forgiving ourselves, for every basic human instinct is mirrored in the nameless, faceless people around you.
Longest post in a long while, and I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Heh.
