What a way to end the month.. This has probably been the most depressing month of my entire life. I promised not to take antidepressants again but I started 2 weeks ago, and stopped after three days. I don't want them. They don't work, and after I take them I'm miserable because I did. Its been a horrible, horrible month. I wish I could explain just how exhausted I truly am. My finances for this month have dwindled faster than I thought they would. I hate this feeling. Knowing that you have another 15 days to go before the next cheque.. On top of that, I have my school responsibilities, (exams, earlier this month had me stressed to my limit) and Even after or even before exams I'd be heading to work. That accounts for early June. Now, my mother is pre menopausal and all she does is cry, have hot flashes, and panic. She's asleep sometimes, which makes things a whole lot easier for me, because no one else is looking after her. I offer my support, but I don't think its enough. She's so scared that she won't listen, and is always thinking of something else when I say something or the other, whether important or not. I'm not feeling neglected, nor trying to get ehr attention. I'm just tired now. Her hot flashes almost always lead on to panic attacks, and then I am at a loss as to what to do. It's depressing. Then there's her inner conflict between western medicine and holistic medicine, as she calls it. She can't decide whether to take both or just one, and listening to other peoples advice just confuses her further,nor will she listen to herself. So there, my mum is incapable of looking after the household. This is not a problem because its usually my job, but now without her atleast doing a few things, workload has increased. I'm picking up my brother after school, and so on. Theres so much more to do... I also have to stay with her most nights, meaning I've been sleeping a few hours a day. This is aggravated by my dad not being home. He's in China or entertaining clients and just says she'll get better soon. When he's here all they do is fight. When he's not my mother just whines and says she needs him and therefore gets another panic attack. You get the picture. Now, there comes the problem of my lack of sleep. I am getting so tired I can barely move. I asked my brother (See post titled Pizza) to look after mom for one night so that I could get some rest to resume my duties more efficiently the next day, but no. He's 14 and at a bastardly tricky stage where he thinks his word is law. Why? Because his friend is leaving this week and every day must be spent with him. Not with mom. And that causes my mother to worry about his whereabouts, thus leading to a panic attack. So, you have me, absolutely miserable, exhausted, and weary of everything. She can't travel alone. I had to go and pick her up because she was too afraid to come home alone. 3 hours, I spent, travelling. I guess my little ray of sunlight was collecting my GCSE certificates (they came out last August) at last. My fees are always somehow late and therefore if your fees are overdue you can't collect your certificates. Talking about lack of sleep, I tend to sleepwalk. I don't see where I'm going and I crash into things. So I'm covered in bruises. To add more pain, think of whippings. Now stop thinking about them and think about the pain they bring. Okay, stop. Lets add one last dose of pain, for good measure, when you get PMS and your body feels like lead. Boys, think of having your stomach pulled out, twisted into a knot and put back in. Without sleep, my lower back tends to kill me, because school requires too much sitting in one place, as does work, and I am usually found wearing 6 inch heels which are torturous to the small of your back. Oh well. It hasn't stopped raining for weeks now. I am so miserable that if I cry, I usually take a walk in the rain. Nobody can distinguish rain from tears. Hardly ever. And then, if you're trying to stop being miserable, atleast you can actually be miserable because you're cold and wet. Sometimes the insides match the outsides. Now, it is the end of the month. I hoped to get prefect, and I didn't. I'm gutted. What have I done, or Havn't done, to deserve this? What stung was that all the YSPP members from my school got in. And I worked so hard..so hard. I've got a good academic record, good extracurricular..what do I lack? Her explanation that 'for every one person that got in a few will be dissappointed' isn't enough. I know several people who got in who didn't deserve it. Who havn't done half of what I have. Its not like me to burst into tears, but later on in the day, I did. I cleared up long enough, but once I was back on the train I stood in the corner and just sobbed. And even I don't know why I'm crying, because I knew I wouldn't get it in the first place. PMS, perhaps. That combined with everything else makes me miserable. Did I mention my summer holidays are practically cancelled? Well, not really, but I'm staying here instead of going anywhere, and there's going to be little or nothing to do, which means I'll just have to go to work as usual. And on a nasty note, we're being evicted by the end of July. House searching has never been so hard. Bastard of a landlord. My life is worse than a soap. Why can't I just get hit with lightning or something. I don't think I deserve any of this. I don't think anyone deserves any of this.. Sigh. And now I apologise for my rant. I don't rant. I hardly do, because I keep everything inside. Internal Torment to myself is a fitting punishment for everything I've done wrong. I guess I deserve it.
Not related to the topic, but my brother is a bastard. If he can't have his way, then nobody else can. That hardly made sense. But yes, he is a selfish bastard. Thats all folks. Nothing to see here.
Hong Kong will give you the kiss of life, and as you wake, breath poison into you. Then its theatrical display will convince every soul that it was all an accident.
Sunday the 3rd. When am I going to Bangkok? (If i am going) 2 months of doing nothing, this summer. whoop-dee-doo. Shoot me now. I'm sleepy and cranky.
Graduation YSPP - We've done it guys. Heres my speech.
'It is said that knowledge is the key to success..I believe that this phrase is wholly applicable to our project. The picture of all of us sitting around the fire which you have just seen, strikes a chord in my heart because in that fire burnt passion, and now we carry that passion and drive within our hearts, forever burning. Together we've learnt so much, almost too fast...these life skills will last as long as we choose, and I hope, for most of us, that this is truly, for a lifetime. We may be having our graduation ceremony now, but YSPP is hardly over. In fact,its only just begun. The whole project has been absolutely unforgettable..overwhelming..(here I tear up) amazing. We've met new people, gone to new places..pushed outside our comfort zones, and look at us now..look..*gestures* How far we've come, Reaching out to 9371 people in 3 months. 3 months..thats all it took. We made a difference. I'd like to thank my peers..mentors..and everyone who made this experience possible, not just for me, but for us. Thank you, and OB family i looove youuu! (sniffle) *applause* END OF SPEECH Here's my happy picture.
I'm losing my mind. Well since you all are perfect strangers and not family I can rant without 'secret thoughts', as my mother calls it. We'll talk history first. My moms parents are now dead. They had a great piece of land in Ajmer (?) But yes thats what they had. Now, a son wants to divide it up between all 16 kids, whereas the other does not. I say divide it between the kids. Whats the land useful for to one when all deserve it, no? So there you have it. Anyway, they are fighting. Relatives we don't know are popping out of the woodwork. I say send my mom to india. She's been having nervous breakdowns. She says its the cat's fault. Shes been having nervous breakdowns before the cat. When she's with family she doesn't have breakdowns. This way, she'll be with family and somewhat closer to her parents, and less likely to have a random heart attack and blame it on the cat. I sound cold and callous, but I'm being factual. Love me, love my cat. Yes, its stupid, but I cannot part with Gideon. He's the second love of my life. She only has to put up with him for a year, then I've got Uni so i'll be moving out. But then again I've been thinking of getting my own apartment here in HK for a while, so now it looks like a relatively good option. Speaking of love, talking about kids. Another conversation. Want me, want my kids. Though N/A at the moment, its true. Kids are not something you discard after you're bored with them. If you want me, you've got to not want, but be open to the notion. This led me to think that for everything great in my life, something great I earned before had to be sacrificed. Everything, my dreams, I hold very dear. Yet for every dream (which is a want) I must sacrifice the want to gain another want. Or other people say and do this to me. Cheers, guys. Where am I going with this. Oh yes, back to the main topic. My dad is weak. My mother is tired. They're not old, old, but I don't know. They have no energy. I think its this house. We're trying to move out but its not working. We can't find the house within a budget. Its getting to a point where I'm tired of spending 3 hours a day travelling back and forth from the city. I work on the train. Or sleep. Depends. Next years workload is three times this years amount, so I'm going to be exhausted. On another note, mom wants to give away my cat. But I think I said that already. Another thing. My dad was ripped off in his business almost 8 years ago, hence our loss. Lost a few million, and its getting slightly easier with the debts (of other companies whose goods were in our charge) being almost paid off. We've got 70% through with. They say it'll be over by this July, but thats sindhi timing. Give it another three years and then perhaps it'll be over. Thats another important issue. My life is like a soap. Speaking of soap, I like foam factory, this new shop. Good stuff. Dirty Girl, Gotcha Girl products and all these fun shaped soaps, even in the shape of cakes for birthday gifts. Good news: I found my prom dress. Bad news: I was wearing jeans, and they soaked right through in horrible weather. It rained for 8 hours straight, heavy, pounding rain that I got caught in. You should've seen my jeans. They were nicely shaded. Only soak-shaded. All the way to the knees. I found the dress after roaming Hong Kong for ages. I told myself I wouldn't buy black, but in the last boutique, I bought it. The LAST one. Good news: Flying T, You're a sweetheart for lending me that umbrella when I was near your place. Lifesaver. Bad news: It didn't help much. The rain comes at you from all angles, and while I was waiting for you the manhole cover was about to explode.
Yes, the pressure was that bad. Good news: My shoes were not ruined. Four inch heels. Bad news: Puddles were more than four inches deep. Good news: I survived. Bad news: I caught a cold in the train on the way back because of the aircon and wet jeans. Good news: Only my voice is gone. Bad news: but I was so tired I woke up with 15 minutes to get ready for work this morning. Good news: I made it to work on time. Bad news: I had a huge report to do after I got home. Good news: I finished the report! 39 Pages!
AS Levels are over. Yesterdays exam...22 pages written in 3 hours... My arms numb.. But its all over! Oh wow.. This year's just sped by! I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Gideon's girlfriend! A 2 month old baby siamese and the points havn't fully developed so she's white all over. I fell in love with her firsttttttttttttttttttttt tttttttt! Happy Anniversary!
I got asked an interesting question today. Would you rather marry someone who doesn't want kids or marry someone who'd end up loving the kids more than you. Hmm. This always cracks me up (from The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy) Don't ask me why, but it just does.
'Hey Marvin, is that you?' said Zaphod into the phone. 'How're u doing kid?' There was a long pause before a low thin voice came up the line. 'I think you ought to know im feeling very depressed' it said. Zaphod cupped his hand over the phone. 'Its Marvin' he said. 'Hey Marvin' he said into the phone again 'We're having a great time. food, wine, a little personal abuse and the universe going foom. Where can we find you?' Again the pause. 'You don't have to pretend to be interested in me you know. I know perfectly well im only a menial robot'. 'Ok ok' Said zaphod. 'But where can we find you?' 'Reverse primary thrust, Marvin' thats what they say to me. 'open airlock 3 Marvin. Marvin, can you pick up that piece of paper?' can I pick up that piece of paper! here I am, brain the size of a planet and they ask me to...' 'Yeah yeah' sympathised Zaphod hardly at all. 'But im quite used to being humiliated' droned marvin. 'I can even go stick my head in a bucket of water if you like. Would you like me to go stick my head in a bucket of cold water? I've got one ready, wait a minute'. 'Er, hey Marvin...' interrupted Zaphod, but it was too late. Sad little clunks and gurgles came up the line. 'Whats he saying?' asked Trillian 'Nothing.' said Zaphod. 'he just phoned up to wash his head at us.'
Yes, I understand I have a pathetic sense of humour. But I relate to Marvin. I'm just like him. A paranoid Android.
There was a vicious bug in my room all night. I had a knight in pyjamas rescue me, and his steed was a cat wearing pink booties. I sort of fell asleep, woke up, and saw this cat ready to pounce. Pulled the blanket over my head and the damn cat pounced anyway. Woke up in the morning, and there was a dead bug on my pillow. Quickly disposed of under 8 layers of tissue paper. The cat really wasn't aiming for my face! It was aiming for the bug. I love both mi Quinn, and mi Qat. Who got a handful of catnip and a fishy treat. Had a mock spanish listening test. I think I failed miserably. Spanish is not my forte anymore. Besides that, I just had a nap and I'm feeling good. Can't wait for the next season of desperate housewives. I'm not a TV watching sort but this soap intrigues me.
I was reading this article on how at the beginning, love is a biological need, just like hunger and thirst. I then wondered what about those who spend their life alone after a first love. What happens to this need then? Its like living without water...or perhaps its a need that just stops, when another warning signal or synapse says it causes more pain than good. The article also said that the brain scans of those in love were identical to those who had mental ilness. Crazy in love for sure. Lots more to think about, not much I can type about. Thinking time!
I've grown to love these. They're so good! Chocolate coated caramellytoffee things. And then theres Time Out...and Caramello Koala...and the ever favourite Dairy Milk. And who can forget Jaffas? And then Pizza. Cheese. Finish off with a pack of melon milk and you're so satiated you want to explode. I'm in heaven, and I need a nap.
