Twas one of those days. The type of day where you reach down to stroke or scratch ones leg, and find a light mist of wetness clinging to ones' stocking. Damp weather. The sky was crying over something I knew not of. Not a bad day I suppose. Rowell (My house) had the most points for sports day. *nod* We won, which was good. We lacked a person who didn't attend, and I was asked to participate but didn't do so. Too many sprains. My ankle needs a break. Next time, perhaps. Hasn't stopped me feeling guilty though, and angered. They shouldn't push people who don't want to do it. Simple. We still won, so stop the bickering. I ran though. I ran all the way home, without stopping. It felt good. No warm up, just a full-on sprint, uphill, downhill, staircases...nothing stopped me. Just the wind and the pain. Something you fight against, too. Something you want to feel and don't, both when you run and when you stop. Its a good feeling. Daggers down your throat, searing into ones' lungs... Pain shooting up and down your legs till you wish to collapse. This world has no room for anyone to collapse. It does, but it doesn't. I slowed at the gate. I couldn't feel. And sometimes I don't want to. Pain's a relief from both circumstances. The middle way. Don't try it. Damned wedgies. Its hard to run in jeans. I've figured something out though. What I crave most is pain. Its not necessary to like something, to crave it. Physical, mental. I don't know what happens once its transferred. Perhaps its a form of inspiration. Perhaps its what I've grown used to, like some form of drug. Perhaps it just reminds me. Perhaps.
The crying wolf
second to none in every fear the light in eyes that disappear
The thorns that caught the fur that mat all the blood where it now sat
The eyes that saw the pain that grew what it had done it never knew
All it felt from what it could an untamed life as now it stood
To howl right up for what was lost and begged on claim its silent posse
And so it lay beside the lake to cry its end and silent fate.
My kingdom for a book...Just the one.
UPDATE!: I've added a hug meter to the right-hand column. Feel free *grin* I seem to need them as pick-me-ups. *laugh* Happy to hug everyone back. Cheers mi doves.
Got about 20 prospectus from universities... Stress..Stress. 2 Tests tomorrow and a lot more stress. Havn't eaten since breakfast, My heel still hurts, I've to finish my Psychology and RS coursework this weekend and I got crossroads first thing on a Saturday morning, followed by another university exhibition. Rahr. Gnite Ya'll.
Not a good day at all.. Had the SSC elections today. Out of 5 competitors in our class I came second. Sigh. 12 Votes for K. I seconded in 5 votes. Damnit. Its a conspiracy, I tell you...*laugh* Na, I shouldn't be bitter, actually. She tried hard. She deserved it, even if I (secretly) believe that my speech was better. Popularity does play a role. Tsk. Sweet though. Close enough and I did give it my all. :) I did my best and I have no regrets. *grin* And K, well done hon. You made an excellent speech, but didn't get in in the direct elections, and this time you came round all the way! You go, girl! Sadly, this wasn't all. I was walking home...and something must've been inside my shoe, cos it pierced about half an inch up into my heel. Tsk. Pain beyond pain...sigh. Worse, Its all swollen now, and not taking the weight off it hadn't helped. They've also pre-empted the only TV program I watch and my detox leaves me hungry and grouchy. *sigh* Oh well. Perhaps I'll cheer up in a while... I'd better go get me some bunny and cheer myself up.
*grin* Bad play on words on the title. *laugh* I have this fascination with kitty paws. I find them so...intriguing. Maybe its the way they use them to tentatively bat things around, or prod, or balance on. My cat walks on tippy toes. And I love the way the paws fly in self defense. built in rubber padding doesn't stop them from sliding across the floor when their claws are out, however. *smile* I am absolutely exhausted. Gooooodnight everyone!
Very dazed and confused today, not to mention snappish. I keep snapping at those I love the most. tsk. Here's my chance to vent. I bloody hell HATE mainlanders! How hard is it to use a ticket machine with a step-by-step interactive instruction panel displayed in EIGHT languages!? 3 being different dialects of chinese!? Someone make me see the light..today I am intolerant. I think i'll do my work, wash my hair and take a nap after reading a good book snuggled with gids. He's found a new hiding spot. In my bagpack. Silly Kittun.
I have had a long day. My shoulders are shot. We refurbished a whole house at crossroads, and did a damned good job about it. Heh. We got stuck with the bathroom and kitchen. :roll: Dried paint on the floor, green stuff between the tiles and 4 spiders, not to mention all the dirt. I love the smell of turpentine. Now, those of you who know me should know that I'm terrified of water on wood flooring. I've heard the water causes the wood to swell up. As a kid I always believed this meant 'immediately'. Actually, it takes time, but i'm just happy being paranoid. I refused to mop the hall. Brooms, people! Okay...now I need a hot bath and a bit of Elvis. Ciao, mi doves! A long post soon, promise. :)
I know I promised a nice long post *grin* But I have to nap. I'm so exhausted my eyes are just..closing.. nap.. soon..promise..post. *curls up inna ball* -n-
A spanish test. Sigh. At home. To do. Right Now. Damnit. No post today mi doves, but i'll make up for it tomorrow with 'History through My Music'. Yes, I've had this idea for weeks, No, i'm not that tetchy about thinking ahead for mi blog. Sometimes the ideas are there, but I can't get em down! Apologies to my regulars, I'll pop by soon, I promise!
If that kid screams one more time... Sigh. I'm just so frustrated this week. The problems just won't end. They go on and on and on. Two assignments due in for tomorrow. Just popping round to wish you all a good day/night. Tata mi doves.
Initiation ceremony tonight. I cannot wait! I'm dressed to the nines and pulsing with raw energy. Its not my initiation, but this feels so damn good! It's good to be wearing leather again. Garter belt, stockings, 6 inch heels and a white minidress I was given after my own initiation...*smiles wistfully* Stands for being reborn. Tis what I felt, too, that day. Not so much now, However, I digress... And I proudly announce that I have been given the honour of being Josh's second tonight, in order to initiate L, his new girlfriend. I've written a short speech which I shall be altering on the train journey between here and the club.
Josh. So much to say, but actions do speak luoder than words *grin* So lets get this little speech over with ASAP and let the fun begin, shall we? Oh baby you've come such a long way..darling, darling boy. You've grown up so fast...so soon, Too soon, even. I feel so..overwhelmed. May I say i'm absolutely honoured and so proud to be your second tonight. I assure you I shall do my best in assisting your lucid pleasures, after all, this is a night for all your fantasies to come true. L, sweetheart. What can I say except welcome to the club. I've known you not too long, but you've proven yourself to be extremely, extremely strong in the face of what we have to show to you. This is a place where you're allowed to be yourself. Reveal yourself. To Josh, to others, if he lets you *grin* I'm very, very happy. Words fail me. To Josh, To L. May all your dreams come true.
Needs a helluva lotta work. Hm. Danni'll be starting the proceedings, followed by other speeches. I want to go last. I need this down on a paper napkin. Such a happy day, I'm already in tears. Got to run! Can't be late! Josh, L, This better be good tonight. I need a pick me up paddle meself. Cheers mi doves.
To whom it may concern: I sometimes feel like we've reached a parting of ways. One heading to the frigid Antarctic and the other to sunny climes. Pretty much polar opposites. Neither apologies or placatents seem to work, and only induce a state of fury (and I am obviously the ass in assuming so, nevertheless..), defense or helplessness and despair at my end. What path did I go down on and clear but the truth, and when one follows down truth's path one must be aware of the pain. I scout(ed) ahead, and cleared truth's path with my own words, yet they hurt you as much if not less, as was my mistaken intention(s). Both truths, I won't lie, but if the whole truth is what you want, and will accept without fear...so be it. Walk beside me. And don't balk. Look at the grooves that tears and blood have engraved on my cheeks, and don't balk. To put it blandly, I assumed (that word again) that to take it like a vodka shot would kill you, if not hurt you. Dilute, and sip. Little sips. Guess I was wrong, or am I right? Or are both drinks out of the question? Misery absolutely loves company, but not when company competes to see who's more miserable. Again, I apologise, and this time I myself know the answer why. The answer is, because of everything. Don't question my everything. My world is still small, and my everything within it is smaller. So, I apologise for everything said and done, with and without reason. Speak. Open up. Ask questions and tell me why you wish to know them. I sometimes feel like I should backtrack, turn back time, wander down a path of lies, yet I think again, and what difference does it make. Truths hurt, Lies hurt, what now? Its no-mans land and I'm surrounded on every side. The poor, poor bunny. Shoot, already. I've had enough.
Well, that was stream of consciousness-y. I feel so much better, I think.
Drained. Feeling like a colander/sieve. Josh, L darling, this better be good. You're not the only two seeking high pleasure. I need a mental one meself. Sigh. Gnite All.
About a shopping spree exclusively for lingerie when you're feeling down... then realising nobody's home and having a whale of a time parading about and breaking things in *grin* Cheers. Okay, I'd better sort out my splurging expenses for the next month or so. I love christmas bonuses.
To Buy
Michael Kors - $400 CK Triple Thong - $199 Book kept on hold - $199 Hair Clip - $10? New Glasses (I sat on my old ones) - ? Jellybeans.
When you're all alone and you just feel like curling up in front of the heater with a good book, or walk about in the cold, just to feel numb. I took the latter and now i'm aching, but its' okay. I don't know, on the way home I was absolutely miserable.. I was wet (rain) and walking about with my hands stuffed in my pockets, just thinking. Tis the things people see..the scenes playing behind your eyes, that scare them. Someone actually came up to me and asked if I was okay. I don't know if I am, sigh. I guess I'm just tired and confused. It dropped to 5 degrees this morning. And my stockings were ripped. tsk. Skirt! And updrafts. Just what I needed. Nibbled on some strawberries. Not really hungry. Had an orange in the day time, that'll do. Leg aching. Bruised purple and yellow above my ankle. I'm so clumsy sometimes. I've found out something I've always known about meself. I lie to myself too much. I don't know why I do it, but perhaps maybe if I keep telling myself that things will turn out okay, they will? Is it just me? Or pathological? Heard a quote today in Ethics. We were discussing morality and its roles when it came to conscience, as well as the differences between Humanitarian and Authoritarian conscience. The quote was "At the bottom of every neurosis is a parent". Cheers, Erich Fromm. I have everything. I feel very vindictive right now. I have everything I want and need, yet what in the world am I lacking? Let me prove my point with another quote. Sorry, ain't too p.c, but this is exactly what I mean.
"Oh fuck, it is true. I want a bunch of different things. I want passion, friendship, laughter, security, trust, understanding, devotion, scorching hot sex, companionship, romance and love. (In no particular order but from the same man)
Impossible? I guess it is for me. Maybe I'm unrealistic? But I've set my sights lower before and ended up in a horrible situation. I'm only looking for one guy. Just one. I want a modern-day fairy tale where our feet are both planted on the ground but our heads are in the stars.
Had a couple of O's yesterday... They felt sort of empty if that makes any sense.."
There we go. From MCS's blog. I HAVE all that, if not more. Tis what she needs, when she has everything else. So now what. What am I missing that leaves my heart aching, and just to numb it I wander about for hours on end in 5 degree weather in a skirt, regardless of where I walk (I almost got run over. Twice.) and lost in this haze of every-nothingness. Damnit, I hate the cold. Winter is bleak. 3 Lectures tomorrow. Hopefully I'll cheer up a little...I'm so miserable and I know it, and if I knew what is causing it I wouldn't be miserable anymore. Sigh. Tis a long walk back to Eden, sweetheart. If we ever get there.
Feckin Freezing. And I had Door duty for parents' evening. Sigh. Talk about picking the shortest straw. cold. 3 Teachers commented that I look like rudolph. Aiyoh. In the New Territories tis 3-4 degrees colder. Apparently it'll be even more cold tomorrow. Sigh. Curling up miserably. Night night ya'll.
I said I'd be up at six, but nooo...*laugh* I do believe thats the best nap ive had since all last year. Woke up at 8 and was heavily disoriented, but felt...so light. Or maybe it was because gids was asleep on my throat. I've no work due in tomorrow, which feels so damn good! Meow. And you know what? I think I'm just going to go back to sleep. *grins sleepili* Tis honestly, apart from blinking, what I do best. Purr. Sleep sweet ya'll, and to all a good night! ;)
Don't feel much like typing. I have a spanish mock oral tomorrow and my stomach just dropped bottom whilst my heart leapt into my throat. Just what I need. Honestly, the woman's shorter than I yet intimidates the hell out of me! For one, she walks as fast as she talks, and you can hear her coming a mile away, damned chipmunk. Secondly, its the way she looks at you when you've done something wrong. "Oh you poor soul, you'll never ever forgive yourself for this.." along those lines. All that in her eyes and furrowed brow make me want to curl up under my chair in a cringing ball, weeping in misery. She's nice though. Heh. Most of the time. Well, not really. Here's a song that I think describes me purrfectly, thanks to A for introducing it to me. :) Sing along with the music playing in my blog *grin*
Runaway Train
Call you up in the middle of the night Like a firefly without a light You were there like a slow torch burning I was a key that could use a little turning
So tired that I couldn't even sleep So many secrets I couldn't keep Promised myself I wouldn't weep One more promise I couldn't keep
It seems no one can help me now I'm in too deep There's no way out This time I have really led myself astray
CHORUS Runaway train never going back Wrong way on a one way track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here no there
Can you help me remember how to smile Make it somehow all seem worthwhile How on earth did I get so jaded Life's mystery seems so faded
I can go where no one else can go I know what no one else knows Here I am just drownin' in the rain With a ticket for a runaway train
Everything is cut and dry Day and night, earth and sky Somehow I just don't believe it
CHORUS
Bought a ticket for a runaway train Like a madman laughin' at the rain Little out of touch, little insane Just easier than dealing with the pain
Runaway train never comin' back Runaway train tearin' up the track Runaway train burnin' in my veins Runaway but it always seems the same
A reflection of a reflection into oneself's own reflection.
I have a mirror. It is not made of glass. It does not have an ornate handle or a smooth, reflecting surface, nor does it take up the length of an entire wall. Perhaps now i ought to clarify that this mirror should be referred to in the plural form, however what it reflects back is seen and viewed as a whole. My mirror is made of flesh and blood, of beating heart, of thought, opinion, wishes and dreams. The epicenter, the reflecting surface of my mirror, centers around everything I thought I knew I was. Of things I cannot fathom on my own. My mirror is my everything. Glass mirrors show us what we want to see, no matter which way we turn our head, no matter the expression made, whether it be sulky to sexy to downright silly. Please yourself. The mirrors I speak of are similar with one minutely major difference; They almost always tell the truth. Not what we want to see, but what we are seen as. However blatant, however pleasing to each of the five senses, the truth is unveiled, along with an positive or possibly even negative emotion that explodes inside you like a miniature firecracker, leaving you wanting to be doused in cold water to wake from the truth, to pull you back to reality, or in a more positive light, quell the lusty flame that swells and leaves you weak at the knees. A reflection on a reflection into oneself's own reflection leaves me pondering what the world would be like without these mirrors. Certainly a bleak, undesireable place, with undesirable people, each lost within their world of worlds. "I am reflected in thee, which in turn is reflected in she". Consider myself blessed.
sojelfeR soD
,uoy ni flesym ees I ,em ot luos derorrim A ,kcab detcelfer ees I tahw dnA, .peek I epoh I tahw sI
,hgis derepsihw tsetfos eht raeh I ,diasnu gnol os sgniht fO ,nwonknu llits tey duol os sthguohT .daert ot erehw gnidiceD
,htaenb htooms ecafrus eht leef I ,tser od yeht sregnif ym erehW ,em ot seod ti sa gnimraW .tfel si taht tnirpmi deredluoms ehT
,eugnot ym no ecnad-drow eht etsat I ,spil tuhs nwo 'seno dniheb depparT ,niatnoc t'nac I rewop fo sdroW .spit ecnalab eht ereht dnA
,noitiutni no desab (!)stnecs I ,eb yam taht revetahW ,og tel t'now i taht gniht eno ehT ,em ot laiceps si rorrim siht roF .syawlA
I love fruit milk. I used to have it in Taiwan when I was a child. It's not available in HK, sigh. Mi Dad came back from the funeral in Taiwan and he brought some back...*grin* I'm saving it for after dinner. He also bought the papaya milk and duplo chocolate which is only available (as I know) there. Fruit milk! *laugh* Too thinkified to post. Be good, mi doves.
Yes, Today was the year 8 happening. Started off well, with casual day.. At 1:50 the whole school, some 7000 of us, created a giant circle on the field to honour the lives lost in the Asian Quake with a moment of silence. What was strange was when we faced inwards, the wind blew away from us, towards the centre of the circle, and when we faced outwards, the wind blew outwards. I can't describe it. Maybe its an omen of sorts, of good things to come, perhaps, after the toils. The wind changing. The year 8 happening plans have been going on for months. Basically, its a party for 8th Graders. I chose to be in the catering department. Our schedule was as such: 3:45 - Registration in the main hall. 4:00 - Collect Crisps and Drinks. Take them to the individual rooms. 5:40 - Pick Up Pizzas. We had 3 cheese, 3 pepperoni and 2 hawaiin pizzas for our class. 6:00 - Dinner for all the year 8's. Our class was naughty! They made a girl cry by taking her phone and saying she was ugly. Tsk. :roll: Kids these days.. 7:00 - Students retreat to individual workshops. Nicole and I were to clean up the classroom, but ours was clean anyway. 8:00 - The Disco! It was like the tide. Girls on one side, Guys on the other...right up until they got up on the tables and started to attempt their first social up-on-the-table-but-not-d runk dances. We had a couple of performances which were real sweet. The sister of a friend of mine won best dancing award, and Some other kid in a cruella De'ville (?) costume won the best costume award. 9:00 - End. Clean up, Go Home. I am exhausted. However there were some perks to the day, as well as pictures. Firstly, and perhaps I'm exaggerating but I honestly believe that I made the most effort when choosing and dressing up for this occasion. If there was an award for costumes by the organisers,, I think I might have won. *grin* I'm so presumptuous. Secondly, nobody recognised me. Especially my teachers. My English teacher who taught me for two years stopped and snapped 3 pictures, then looked at me and said..'Pooj? Thats you!?" I cracked up. "You look so different!" and the inevitable comment "Nice Wings!" *laugh* Trust me, that happened a lot more than once tonight. On the topic of wings...Ron, Karen, Don't knock Jen over in your Euphoria. I find wings make people really Ecstatic. Mine were the biggest at the event for some reason, and people kept wanting to try them on. As soon as Ron and Karen were running round laughing and enjoying the free-ness (!) of running flight, they crashed into poor Jen. Then doubled over in laughter. Well done. If only I had a camera...:P Wings make you feel special. Like you could conquer the world. It was a good evening. Now, after all that, bring on the pictures! (I Hate My Camera) Ooh, credit to Amber. Pictures don't do her work justice. She curled my hair really nicely during lunchtime, only its not obvious in the photos because, well, I hate this camera. Cheers. love ya!
Myself. Taken while trying on my costume the night before.
Playing with the wings before lunchtime. I love the sunshine.
From left to right, Nicole A., The angel. Ron, the hyper faerie, Myself and Karen, who unfortunately successfully blended into the background.
LTR - Myself, Nicole L. as the witch and Ron.
Tez and Myself. Tez, you wore a dress. I'm so proud *sniff*
Me. Perched. Bored.
This would have been a gorgeous pic if I were not in it :P The lighting's doing something odd to my face. I look..yiee. LTR - Karen, Allie, Amber, Myself and Tez.
Myself and Shrek. a.k.a Jaime. :P I know you hate me calling you that, but stop using me as something to lean on!
Thats all folks. Time to take a hot shower, get rid of these curls and sleep like a baby. Cheers. Have a good night ya'll.
I curled my hair for tomorrow. I'm going as a pixie! Wobbly thighs and all. *laugh* Not much to say. no mood to type. Hitting the shower. Goodnight Ya'll. Pics of me in this ridiculous (and I personally think adorable) outfit up soon.
"I once was a little child who longed for other worlds but I am no more a child for I have known fear I have learned to hate how tragic, then, is youth which lives with enemies, with gallows ropes. Yet, I still believe I only sleep today. that I'll wake up, a child again, and start to laugh and play. - Hama Herchenberg -
Today, an old friend back when I used to live in Taiwan passed away at the young age of 65 due to a heart-attack. Unfortunately, I am unable to attend the funeral due to various issues that have cropped up between this and the last year. Well respected, a good role model and not a trace of bad bone in his body. He'll be sorely missed. My sincere condolences...
Its odd, what tragedy the New Year has brought. Just when we thought it was safe to step out of the house again, another bomb drops and we can't step back inside, because the house too has been reduced to rubble. The safest place now, on earth, is within ourselves. We'll be seeing many people hiding, reaching out...it depends on the circumstances...the causes and their effects... What sadness. I wish I could feel optimistic right about now but its so hard...so very, very hard. Yet its required. Its what we must do. Chin up...We have to try, if not for ourselves, for the rest of the world.
Perhaps, by looking at the bad, I forget how much good there is. There is life, love, work, play...The list is seemingly endless. Yet I have reasons to be forlorn, and I shall be as needed. The memory remains. Rest In Peace.
In other news, My goals this month are as follows..perhaps completing them will bring about positive results and something to be optimistic about, to look forward to. They may be goals not pertaining to the rest of the world, but I find solace in the fact that they will keep me busy, keep me from thinking too much. I am grateful for the little bit of satisfaction received from each task. Tis a to-do list, short-term and long-term.
Learn Spanish tenses. Finish Psychology coursework Finish Religious Studies coursework Ace Spanish Exam(s) Give to Tez what is Tez's and Rose's What is Rose's. Buy Paper plates Buy White Leotard Create Wreath. Receive GCSE Certificates Panic and Worry less Get rid of this damned headache (2 days and counting) Get Gids adjusted to new catfood Get Gids a proper collar
So little time so much to do.. Sigh. Someone hire me a hitman before I do it myself.
Ever felt like you were in a cageful of parrots? I felt that way on the bus this afternoon. Sigh. I'm surrounded by lunatics, yes I am. Apologies to all those I havn't visited on tblog. Missing ya'll...Just caught up in work and moping about miserably. Soon.
Sleepless nights :P PMS Lack of sunshine I need a hug. and some sleep. I'll blog tomorrow, or perhaps later tonight... Goodnight Mi Doves, have a good one.
Say thanks to darling for these gorgeous photos. *grin* Happy happy birthday. You're finally fourteen and I wish you the best of luck through puberty and beyond. Oh by the way. You can keep the bra! :twisted:
I got so much work I'm going to be driven up the wall. Luckily I finished Psychology. Doing Spanish now and perhaps I'll get to work on RS later in the day. Sigh. Someone put me out of my misery, please. :(
