I'm very tired..
For the first time in my life I have no direction. I hate it.

Two months of summer vacation..my work of 11 years has come to an end..and I'm tired.

I've always hated having to be an adult. I miss my childhood. I traded in my childhood for adulthood and I regret every single moment. That was my deal with my devils just so I could stay alive and well.

Life's always been hard and I don't deny the fact that I've worked hard to get where I am. What sucks is that from this point its hard for me to move forward.

It seems like a dream, when I got accepted into all six universities, and picked my favourite two.

It seems like a dream, when I was so excited to go somewhere I've never been and actually fulfil my dream of becoming a Psychologist.

I hate this family. We're born with high aspirations, and my entire life I've seen them unfulfilled. I've seen everyone's dreams shatter and then watch them struggle. I suppose I havn't really learned to let go of mine yet and resign myself to the fact that university really is just a dream, and will continue to be.

Life must have been so much easier in the old days, when people's destinies were predetermined to some extent. Those who wanted to make something of themselves were either rich enough, or foolish enough to do so. Now its a dog eat dog world. There were divides between the rich and the poor, eons ago. The rich would continue to be, and the poor would continue to be. The girls would marry off into some other family of wealth, or continue to be who they were in their own homes, knitting, or whatever they did back then.

We must have had dreams back then...they must have been simple dreams then..but important to those who held them.. Dreams now need money to achieve, and I don't have that. My parents don't have that. Theres still a divide.. I've tried every single thing I possibly can now and nothing's working.

Loans here are based on merit. We've never had a solid foundation..no property, no nothing..We're not even residents of our home country nor do we have fixed income..the business class with no merit do not get loans.

Scholarships..scholarships seem so distant. Those will come after my results, which I don't even wish to see. There seems little or no point in getting them if I'm not going to go. We're too proud to borrow, too proud to beg, too..anything.

I wish someone could understand the feeling of having no direction, after so many years of having control. Its almost like i've retired from having a job, but retired with no money. I'm bewildered as I have no idea what I'm going to do, and I have no means to do it.

I was told today that life goes on. Yes, it does, but havn't I paid my dues? Aren't I allowed to stop? No..I took a walk in the park and my phone rang thrice in 10 minutes, calling me back home. One can't even take a walk in the park. I hate having responsibilities. I miss not having a childhood, or a summer holiday when I was free, with nothing to do but lie in the grass. We take summer jobs..we work furiously towards some sort of future..trying to make something of ourselves. In this family I barely remember a time when I have been comfortable, financially. Why all our hard work doesn't pay off is something that drives me insane.. We work so hard..we do..and nothing comes of it.

I have love, but love won't pay my bills. As much as I am happy, I'm miserable. I can't see a way out of this except backing out. As much as I want my this one dream to come true, I should watch it shatter like the rest. I have tried everything, and I am tired.

Leave me be..if just for a little while, let me turn the phone off and have nobody worry..let me lie on the grass just once..I've almost forgotten what that feels like..almost..

20,000.00 GBP..285,540.53 HKD.. 3 kids in one family isn't easy..all in private schooling..all expected to go into their father's business that is not improving..it hurts. I don't want to be rich. I just want to fulfil my dreams..after being told, after being sung in songs that dreams come true, I want so desperately to believe that they do..

all this desperateness..

Thats the feeling. Desperation. I think thats what I feel...terrified, and alone, and desperately wishing to escape. From something. Anything. Just escape the whole miserableness of it all.. You see it in them..His hair greying..her eyes lost..his eyes that show defeat and his that know only innocence..

I don't want to be told there is a way. I've looked at all of the ways possible, and none are feasible without the cost crippling us. I feel almost guilty to be taking money, leaving the rest of the family crippled until I pay them back..yet my heart is so, so driven to pay them back for the one good thing they could do..but I've worked so hard to get where I am now, and I deserve it. I don't want to be lost. I don't want to be an adult..I want to study, like a student, and take a temp job, like a student, and stand on my own feet without the burden of guilt. But I've looked for a way and there isn't one..there simply isn't.

I look at it now, and see that we havn't established ourselves in this world, and what we have established is on shaky ground.. It used to be easy standing on my two feet on shaky ground. Now I don't think I can get up.. Worse, I don't think I want to.